I Need a Zapper!

I was going through my e-mail file earlier today and wished I had a junk mail zapper, you know like those bug zappers you put in your back yards. I get so much rubbish in my e-mail account that I spend more time cleaning it out than I do reading my good e-mails. And that bugs me!

Really, the stuff I find there. I’m a little too old for a college tuition loan. A cruise to the Caribbean Islands might be nice, but not to Sandals Beach Resort for Singles. “Invest now for your future,” another e-mail said. “If you start now, you’ll be rich when you retire.” I don’t think so. I retired five years ago. Even an Obama economist couldn’t make that promise come true.

One e-mail which did look promising, but don’t tell my wife, offered a senior’s dating service. It wanted me to send in my profile with an appropriate picture, and for $9.95 a month I would receive profiles of five women, complete with their pictures, and a monthly dating magazine. I’m not currently in the market, but it is good to know I have options. I wonder if the monthly magazine contains a centerfold.
It wouldn’t matter. I’d only be reading it for the articles.

One e-mail which left me wondering advertised that I could become a corrections officer over the internet in eighteen months. It is nice to know that you can receive an education while in your own home, but don’t you think prison guards should receive some hands-on training? The next thing they’ll promote is to do the work from home.

Have you seen the You can work part-time from home ad where they send you stationery and you have to buy stamps and send the letters out to about a thousand of your closest friends. Just having to buy stamps would bust me. You get paid three cents for ever letter you mail. It costs you forty-four cents for the stamp.

Another advertisement is for Dental Assisting School. Like I’m going to let someone who got their degree from correspondence courses look in my mouth. I don’t think so. The same goes for online training for your commercial truck driving licenses. I think I have seen some of the graduates driving down I-20.


Another popular advertisement, especially now that I’m getting older, offers vitamins and drugs online. I like that idea, but if you could just order one, would you pick the vitamins, Zoloft or Viagra? That would be a hard decision when all these would be useful.

I also had an e-mail today selling dance flooring. How does that differ from regular flooring? I put that one in my junk mail file. I don’t think I’ll be doing any dancing soon. Some things are best left to the professionals.

Another e-mail that caught my eye was for electronic cigarettes. It made me laugh. Could this be similar to the electric chair? Now, that was something to die for, wasn’t it? Do electronic cigarettes come twenty to a pack like regular smokes? I think that might be overkill.

Utility services are often featured, phone service, faster internet connections and a plumber. What, a plumber? You can get your plumbing fixed over the internet? I would call up for service, but I’m afraid I’d get some guy from India on the other end of the line telling me what to do with my stopped up sewer line. I get enough of that from my computer software provider.

Palm reading is something I definitely stay away from. Something about reading my palm via the internet I don’t trust. You scan your palm print and send it off with your payment of only $19.95. Do you think Ron Popeil has some connection with the fortuneteller?

Well, I guess I have rattled on long enough. My inbox is full again and I need to clear out the new junk mail. I am sure you have your own junk mail stories. Feel free to post one in the comment section below. Many of your comments compete nicely with my blog notes.

Until next time, have fun and keep reading.